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skagal1206
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Name: lailamarie
Location: United States
Birthday: 8/20/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: trying to have fun, running and playing soccer badly, my siblings, brightly colored hair, ska music and going to shows i guess.. I don't suppose i have interests i just do things when they come up i guess... anything fun really. spending money, getting in way over my head... and reading the occasional good book..
Occupation: H.E.B Partner <__>
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/20/2006
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| Oh gosh... im pathetic... someone stop me.. no dont stop me.. if i am stopped than that will be it.. and sadly i do not want it to end... :[ why does nothing work out like i want it to... ugh. :[ everything makes me sad everything reminds me of somehting that use to be and not body likes that. Ugh. i have no friends and i have no personality... so i couldnt make friends if i tried... Im so full of shit and i am not original... wait who is... anyways... :\ im nothing of use and im sad and lonely and possibly very stupid... :\ who would want to hang out with the boring depressed girl.. i mean honestly... i have no real thoughts i think... :[ and all i seem to do is complain... oh and i have been told i am a bitch... but i mean honestly... i dont try to be? ugh... im sorry i do not feel the same! im sorry i dont.. im sorry im bitter and have nothing to contribute to anything... im pointless and im sorry. :[ life is what you make of it... so if you dont want to make anything than life is nothing.. but i do not want my ife to be nothing but i just dont see how i could do anything... oh! im tired of bitching all the time about the fact that i think dome things are wrong with my life when i know nothing reallyis wrong with it... im just complaining cos i cant be happy about anything... ugh... i get what i deserve i guess...nothing.
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| I have found that that these things upset me the most:
People who put an "x" in there s/n or other alias on the internet.
People that are FAT that consider themselves "real" people... [ like i mean really just because the world, er U.S is sadly and slowly growing in the population of obese citizens.. okay sure curves are great, im not saying everyone should be a size 2 or 4 but i mean... SIZE 14-18 IS NOT NORMAL, its not okay for your own health it is not okay for your image. it is just not okay.]
people with comb over bangs.
people with bleach blond hair..
people/girls that have bleach blond hair with the excessive amounts of black eyeliner on top and bottom eyelid.
people who promote the 90's who were born in the 90's so they cant really promote it at all.
people who are so stupid and have children that they cant take care of.
FOODSTAMPS... for those who cheat the system and leave the helpless hopeless.
people who cause the damaging image of there own ethnicity
mothers who do not put their children first.
familys who are broken
people who think that being different means wearing black.
people who thrift shop because they think its cool or hip.
people who, when asked if they like to read, say they dont read... READING IS EVERYTHING.
people who are too ignorant to see that an education is something precious
You know i think i just.. im tired with humanity.
there are moe things.. but i have to go watch a midnight showing. maybe ill finish later.
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| You know... i do not know why anything is like how it is... going through the motions in life... i think did i ever really love any one at all?ugh why is everything so complicated? i mean the sex the lying... ha... i dont think i have emotions... oh i saw my sisters keeper today with my sister and mum didnt cry... they did. heh oh i mean that not why i do no think that i have no emotion just because... i mean there is this boy out there... err or maybe more than one that like me or well loves me to tell the truth that wants me in my entirety to love me forever to do all those stupid things that we vow when we marry... ugh but i just keep on running over anything that might be something. i just cant stop what ever self destruction i have going on that day, i mean not like im into heavy drugs and drinking... but whatever mental destruction i think of... or physical... physical trip im going on... ugh i do not know why i am the way i am... i mean i think i have the most fantastic family in the world... even though we are disfunctional in many many ways... they love me and support me and would die for me we see each other at least once a week we talk and even on occasion see a movie or play o board game.. oh by family i mean everyone but my dad, although he is alive and well he is not my family, more of a man that i love for no reason or point... i love... i love? any ways but still maybe this disfunction we had left a print i mean, me being made fun of.. me being bypassed for my smarter siblings... i mean children loose their worth the more you have... maybe is that why? i mean i think and think over why i have these feeling or why i am... so discontent... is it becasue i never felt good enough because i need the approval of others too? i mean i dont go about asking for it.. my actions just plead for it... than why can i not be in love and just leave it at that? i mean really its almost been four years since kyle... how bad could that have relationship screwed me up, i was only a child... are those the most important? i swear i have never felt the same... i want more maybe? ugh i want to be absolutely in love! i want to sleep breathe eat drink i want to be and live for only that one other person i want so much love to be given out of me that i am completely exasperated by the time i go to bed and i want to go to bed each night with thebbm by my side loving me and being just as breathless as i am from loving me... now the sad thing is that i can have it... i can i can i can i know it... but why wont i take it? why why why? ugh i do not make any sense. girls are the devil. you know i do not know who said boys are the bad ones... i have been with a boy that has not wanted to love me or has not loved me... ha well only till the end... and now that i think about all my relationships.. i casued the end of them.. kyle.. my less than productive thoughts on death and me brought our end, william, although i like to think he did no happen, ended because i met jordan and could not be free of it... jordan i left him... [in all of this we have ben... but i just dont want to think or deal or talk baout any of that...] alex i left him for chris chris i left for alex... now im stuck in a gross middle... i complain... too much but i mean this is my blog i say let me complain i do not say it out loud any ways... so i guess we all need to vent... chris is... although like i just guess surprisingly like... awesome... i mean he is strong athletic funny cute has great taste in music... oh but a fault... not much going on up top.. i mean he is not stupid... but im not going to have great conversations with him over... well.. anything... but he is loyal nad just wont seem to leave my side... no matter what horrible things i do to him... alex.... oh alex i think is an ass... which i do not know how i am like... how is he in this equation? i mean an ass he wont let me go out he wont let me get a tattoo where i want to [i mean he is not going to stop me but will surely throw a huge fit] he wants me to do whatever he wants and he will do whatever he wants no matter what i say or do or plead... sad really? why do i even deal? i have no idea really... i mean i think i love him? do i? well i think i think some people think that when your with some one for so long you just have to... i mean him loving me was sort of rushed upon me one February night at work... he too is loyal but in a different sort... oh seeing him be torn up because of how i am i heart breaking... ugh... :\ im just messed up plain and simple... im a fucked up girl. and no one can save me i am not worth saving and i will die and nothing will be greatly achieved by me living. i am nothing special at all i am not attractive and im a fickle whore. ha. liberating. | | |
| So i am here at my fathers house so bored and broken.. i swear i feel like i am some sort of teenage statistic... But anyways... I wonder how i use to do it... how i would not care so easily... i mean i still dont care... but something is different... i guess im getting bit in the ass by karma... or some thing of the sort. I'm so full of shit it is amazing i dont even know how i do it sometimes like i do not know how i make it work... or well i guess its not working so well any more... i mean could have one last chance do something that will change everything and after i do ill either be left with something or absolutely nothing, is that better than how i feel now? you think? i think ill have to... you know what ill try if it doesnt work out... that well ill work more... oh well ill transfer heb's than work more... and ill even get another job, ill make sure ill get another one.. just to fill in the space... anything to fill in the space. You know what ill try... ill try i will... im a fool a damn fool and this is the wrong choice im making... im full of shit... did i say that already?
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| Now what should we talk about? well i dont really know... i think im getting to the point where im going to be one of those serial killers... Sorry i dont think i really meant that... I mean i just sit and stare and think about how this the thing that we are doing right now, you and i, i say you because any one reading this brings the words to life so there would of course have to be a you for you to know what this blog is saying... or what i am saying, oh well anyways that the things we are doing now is reality i mean there is no movie or game or book or even soundtrack those things are not what you are doing or feeling, unless you are of course a musician or actor or maybe some one that reads and plays games...even they are in reality doing what they must... but i mean you can not escape it, although many people try by doing a number of things.. its so scary that like lets say example me i mean i love fairy tales they are wonderful but they arent real i love a number of ideas that will never come true and to think it is so strange that i have two eyes one heart a spleen a liver and a number of other organs that i need to live... they work together in my body to make me breath and live... but what happens if they stop? if this is reality as we know it is what is it after we stop thinking and being in it? the matrix haha just a joke thought... is there something wrong with the world? with us? with me? i wish i could explain how i feel how i think to someone... but i just cant like my words come up short to my idea... it scares me a little because i think am i the only one to think like this? is this something wrong? i mean am i crazy? are there others that think like this and the reason why i cant word it right is because the things i am thinking are what people would call crazy? so that it means i am and that the body that works so perfectly together to keep me in reality is not really working and i am faulty? Am i? what will come today? tomorrow? i need to know... i mean where are we? why does everything work? why do birds fly when winter comes or why do the bears sleep ? why is it the creatures are made so perfect like us? and dont give me a daddy figure is playing with us from a place we cant see... i think that since we are so perfectly working that if there was something there we'd know.. i think our only horrid mistake is that we think... ugh i dont know i think i am tired tired of being me and thinking like i do i mean i never shut up even when i am not talking i mean you know the voice in your head? does it really have a voice you think? i do not hear i voice.. its more like im reading my own mind.. but it is my mind so i dont think i could be reading it... you know? well i dont know... but its not like in the movies where you hear it when the character is thinking... it is like scary and alone that there is no end to the ideas that you can think and no end to the fear corruption and other frightening things that may happen... i mean i dont know i want to know what it is to literally not have my head i want to know what its like no to breathe i want to know what come next... scary... but can i die? do you think? i mean the answer is yes i can... well if i can why hasnt it happen yet? i should have dies so many other times... choking, decapitation, literally... car wreck... food posioning and others... i mean joint deficiency! what sad disorder is that... anyways i want to see... i want to know more i want to know everything and than die so i wont be scared of knowing everything... I dont know.. i guess im just a freak.. i freak in sheeps clothing as they say...or is that something about a wolf...
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